I want another child so badly it hurts, but I’m a bit afraid to get pregnant. The Scientist says he understands, but nothing can convince me yet that I will be OK and stress-free if I were to fall pregnant again.
Although I know that the Scientist and I have decided to wait until Curly starts school full-time, every day I crave to hold my next child. Many of my girlfriends are already growing basketball teams. Every day I fantasize about getting pregnant. More so now that my colleague is about to go on maternity leave with her first child. Seeing her at her desk 2 metres from where I sit, I imagine myself in her place, glowing and anxious while wanting my baby to come out already. [Rhonda shakes the thought out of her head]
But I’m afraid to get pregnant even when I am dying to be. Why, you ask? Because I had a not-so-bad but bad experience during my pregnancy with Curly and it made me kind of hate being pregnant. Curly was OK but I wasn’t. Four things made my pregnancy a pain. You might think: “Oh but they are minor stuff,” but they were big stuff to me, and it caused me to stress a fair bit.
Thing One: The Scientist and I conceived on the day we first tried. Easy peasy, yes, but I was already throwing up 3 days later from morning sickness. And guess what? Morning sickness lasted throughout the entire pregnancy. And guess what, again? I had morning sickness EVERY SINGLE MORNING until the day Curly was born. My doctor thought maybe I was allergic to my own baby. Huh? It was horrible. The smell of foods and stuff did not make me sick though. Thank God!
My morning routine
before pregnancy: breakfast, brush teeth.
during pregnancy: brush teeth, throw up as soon as toothbrush touched my teeth,
breakfast, and maybe throw up again.
today: breakfast, brush teeth.
Thing Two: Another reason that I’m afraid to get pregnant is because I suffered from skin infections, pretty badly. I have sensitive skin, you see. Plus I was already fighting the “allergic-to-your-baby-maybe” thing. One morning I woke up with a rash under each arm, in my armpits. The doctor couldn’t get rid of them, gave me some powder to rub there to reduce the itchiness and wait for it to naturally go away. Weeks of pain and itchiness? You betcha!!
Thing Three: My hair fell out during the last month of my pregnancy. Most fell from just above my forehead. I was forced to wear cloth headbands/hairbands to hide the thin patches. People thought I had a new style, and I had to get used to responding with “No, my hair’s falling out.”
Thing Four: Skin hyperpigmentation aka pregnancy mask!!!!! Due to my hormones changing. I don’t mind stretchmarks, but pigmentation? On my face? Nooooooooooooooo! And guess what the skin doctor said? It might go away with the next pregnancy or it might get worse. Noooooooooooo x 1000!!! [Cries]
Although all these nasty things happened to me, I had my many happy moments being pregnant with Curly. The best were when I saw him on the monitor during the scans. I wanted to reach in and cuddle him. I couldn’t wait to meet him.
But thinking about all the nasty stuff makes me worry that my next pregnancy could be worse. Am I too chicken? I’m a strong woman, at least I think so, and many people have said so, too. So maybe I should just toughen up and from now on tell myself it would be alright, to the day we decide that it’s time to make the next Curly. Who knows, maybe I’ll be lucky enough to have a stress-free and drama-free pregnancy.
Did you ever experience all the things that I’ve mentioned? Do you worry about your next pregnancy? I’d love to hear your story.