Oh wow, there goes my confidence!
There goes my hard work that I keep talking about!
There goes my belief that my son is improving!
There goes my victory dance and my victory smile that I showed off when he said that new phrase last week!
There goes the proud moment when he told me he loved me each day in front of a bunch of parents!
There they go our hugs, our chin-nibbling moments, our affectionate tickles, and our butterfly kisses!
There goes our mum-and-son cupcake-baking moment when he sits on the bench to help me pour batter!
There goes our cold but giggly moment outside in winter; quick hurry let’s hang the washing before we freeze!
And there goes his “Come ‘ere, mummy. Cuddle please!”
There they all go when the rage and anger possess my son whenever he doesn’t get his way!
There he goes taking those Earth-moving moments away when he doesn’t understand how things work!
There they all go, those wonderful things, when he slaps and hits, and when he screams and shouts!
There they go for just that moment…. when he becomes so angry that he’s so blind and deaf and nothing…
NOTHING… gets through to him in those few seconds of explosion!
Nothing but my hug.
Nothing… but my hug.
Nothing but… my hug.
Nothing but his mother’s hug.
Nothing comes out of his mother’s eyes… let’s keep those eyes dry.
Nothing must come out of his mother’s eyes…. let’s just hug him tight.
Nothing must come out of his mother’s mouth… let’s just say “It’s ok, I love you.”
Nothing must come out… except whispers and reassurance.
Nothing comes out, of his mouth, as he settles.
Nothing comes out but the thoughts are struggling in my mind
— I pray in there, “Stop it, child, you make me want to run away.”
This is not a poem… this is how I felt yesterday when I was being screamed at by my 4.5yo. He has autism. When we have these moments, I sometimes feel like everything we’ve achieved have just been yanked away. For just that moment… but it’s a strong feeling — as if someone has just broken my heart. But I keep strong. I pick up, I carry on from where we left a moment ago.
- Coping with Anger and Rage
- Why I share my autism story
- Sorry But Your Son has Autism (Pt 1)
- Sorry But Your Son Has Autism (Pt 2)