Oh wow, there goes my confidence!
There goes my hard work that I keep talking about!
There goes my belief that my son is improving!
There goes my victory dance and my victory smile that I showed off when he said that new phrase last week!
There goes the proud moment when he told me he loved me each day in front of a bunch of parents!
There they go our hugs, our chin-nibbling moments, our affectionate tickles, and our butterfly kisses!
There goes our mum-and-son cupcake-baking moment when he sits on the bench to help me pour batter!
There goes our cold but giggly moment outside in winter; quick hurry let’s hang the washing before we freeze!
And there goes his “Come ‘ere, mummy. Cuddle please!”
There they all go when the rage and anger possess my son whenever he doesn’t get his way!
There he goes taking those Earth-moving moments away when he doesn’t understand how things work!
There they all go, those wonderful things, when he slaps and hits, and when he screams and shouts!
There they go for just that moment…. when he becomes so angry that he’s so blind and deaf and nothing…
NOTHING… gets through to him in those few seconds of explosion!
Nothing but my hug.
Nothing… but my hug.
Nothing but… my hug.
Nothing but his mother’s hug.
Nothing comes out of his mother’s eyes… let’s keep those eyes dry.
Nothing must come out of his mother’s eyes…. let’s just hug him tight.
Nothing must come out of his mother’s mouth… let’s just say “It’s ok, I love you.”
Nothing must come out… except whispers and reassurance.
Nothing comes out, of his mouth, as he settles.
Nothing comes out but the thoughts are struggling in my mind
— I pray in there, “Stop it, child, you make me want to run away.”
This is not a poem… this is how I felt yesterday when I was being screamed at by my 4.5yo. He has autism. When we have these moments, I sometimes feel like everything we’ve achieved have just been yanked away. For just that moment… but it’s a strong feeling — as if someone has just broken my heart. But I keep strong. I pick up, I carry on from where we left a moment ago.
Related posts:
- Coping with Anger and Rage
- Why I share my autism story
- Sorry But Your Son has Autism (Pt 1)
- Sorry But Your Son Has Autism (Pt 2)
{ 11 comments… read them below or add one }
This was so beautifully written- that last line gave me heartpangs xxx
Lori @ RRSAHM recently posted..$25, Well Spent.
Cheers, Lori xox
I agree, so beautifully written. I wish I could reach through the screen and scoop you both up.
Tracy recently posted..Fashion Friday: Viva le Tour
Thanks, I feel better today.
Know that feeling, it brought tears, well translated
Alicia O’Brien (@alleychook) recently posted..The useful box
Hugs xxx
Yep – so been there. Almost every day. 2 steps fwd one step back. Trying to stay calm and be their “soft place to fall” but so so hard at times. Hang in there. Keep sharing x
Michele Hill recently posted..Taking my girl to meet Sally Rippen
Thanks, Michele! We’re having a kind of up-and-down week this week.
What a powerful post. It helped me see, even if it is just for a second, what you go through. Sending you support and wishing better days for you and your beautiful boy. x
Grace recently posted..FYBF – The Blogopolis 2012 Wrap Up Vlog
Thank you, Grace. We try our best. And we know that the storm will pass.
I have a nephew with Asperger’s and also worked with children diagnosed with autism for 4 years. This is one of the best expressions of what a parent goes through I have ever read. Thank you for sharing you triumphs and struggles. Even when it feels like a set back I believe you are still making forward progress. So many people misunderstand when they see a child with autism who is in a moment of distress. But with increased awareness, there are more and more of us who “get it”. My prayers are with you.
Lorraine recently posted..Admit It! We make mistakes